Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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