My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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