I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
