He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
