there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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