i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
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I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
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How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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