Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
