Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
do nipples grow back?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
