I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
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Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
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