I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
