after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
