I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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