I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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