Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
