I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
