i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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