Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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