I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
He felt like a one man threesome
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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