then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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