Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
