he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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