Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
