got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
