Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
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He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
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I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.