oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents