my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
