My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
the gays at disneyland are vicious
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
