So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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