If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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