if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Enjoy the penises
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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