I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
