I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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