cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
