girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
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it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
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It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs