he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit