i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
We named our party play list daddy issues
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Randomize
