I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
