batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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