I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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