you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
