broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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