I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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