I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
