theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
