It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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