FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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