I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
