shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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