please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
