The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
