Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
