all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
It's shark week go big or go home
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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