I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
