I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
sarcasm needs its own font
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
