capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
