i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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