I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
