I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
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