Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
